I love group buffs!

Junimos ain’t fixin’ that one, brother…

It’s like one of those comments you type out half-asleep on the toilet some mornings before stopping yourself and asking, “Why the fuck am I even saying this?”, before deleting it and going back to lurking. Except he didn’t delete.

It has to be ego. I set my ego aside constantly and try to be open minded, and I am very open minded, but sometimes in privacy it’s just so goddamn big for no fucking reason… Like when rehashing a 10-year-old argument in the shower.

There are a few new missing persons reports on (what were) the last twelve remaining good people on the planet. The rest of us are down here jacking off in the bathroom with the fan on because parenthood has made it increasingly difficult (and way too risky) to do it in front of a computer.

Hope she has a daughter who grows the biggest dick you’ve ever seen. Like Shrek sunbathing.

Word is that it’s actually really hard to obtain Morbius, as Glorious Leader checks out the only copy nearly every single week.

Imagine your local movie ninja leaves you the portable DVD player beneath the usual log at the edge of town. You bundle it up inside of your goods and inconspicuously bring it home. That night you gather your husband and three children to partake in the wonder that is western cinema. You blow out a few candles and remove a small brick from the hearth, retrieving the portable player from within and popping in your two counterfeit Enjerjizer D-cell batteries. There in the gloom of your commonspace the disc whirrs to life, and the gentle glow of the Morbius menu screen illuminates the faces of your awe-stricken children. It is like magic.

The following afternoon you kneel solemnly in the town square, looking down at their bodies. The distant croon of a raven can be heard.

“모비우스 재미있게 보셨나요?”, the stern-faced soldier asks, the barrel of his pistol planted firmly at the base of your skull. “나는 닌자에게 내일 가져오라고 부탁했습니다.”

It’s the last thing you ever hear.

Keep buying iPhones. That’ll stick it to the man.

As a father, the most important thing to me is making sure that my daughter is safe and free of worry. If she’s sleeping soundly, I’m sleeping soundly. I can’t even begin to imagine watching her endure this level of hell until her/our inevitable demise.

Now canceling the show mid-story by Season 2 will be cheaper than ever!

'I’m not a big fan of the grind. Can you fundamentally change the way experience works to accommodate my personal preferences?"

Don’t forget THA GOOD SHIP MERRY GULL!

I have vivid memories of desperately trying to tell my dad that All That was just SNL but with kids, and it was hilarious. Now my five-year-old has found the All That reboot on YouTube, and I feel the pain that my father had felt.

My brother is one of the more intelligent and scientifically-minded people I know, but I’ll never forget the time we went to the Detroit Institute of Arts and he got yelled at for touching too many exhibits.

I always try to imagine the process of deciding, and it’s hard to take it seriously.

“Carnidal Donatello has done some great work for the church, and the nuns really like him.”

“Yes, sure, I agree with you there. However, I think that Mortimer has been much closer to God. I saw him the other day – Mortimer, that is, not God – and I swear he was radiating with light.”

“Mortimer truly does radiate with light, but that may have been due to his proximity to the CNPP back in '86, and might explain his extra appendages… You’ve certainly been quiet through these deliberations, Marco. What are your thoughts on the matter?”

“Me? Oh. Well… I kind of like Bill.”

Immigration Canada wanted proof of my wife and I’s relationship, so we dumped a packet of printed call logs on them as thick as a novel. Skype certainly served its purpose.

"When asked how they managed to fend off the reptiles, crash survivor Amos Moses said, “I just knock 'em in da head wit a stump.”

Alright, boys. Hear me out. You cut a hole on the inside of your pocket, put on your pants, then pull your penis through the hole so that it is emerging and/or hanging out of your pocket.